The the skeleton swings
From the gnarled tree
Black against the moonlight
Swinging from it's twisted gallows
Creaking as the chill winds blow
Groaning as in living pain
Suffering years of endless woe
Or perhaps its restless spirit
Groaning
Moaning
Pining
Sobbing
Remorse for foul deeds
Committed long ago
What's left of a withered face
Devoured by the savage years
Who's the ghost that hangs alone?
Husband to a weeping widow?
No one remembers-no one knows
Forgotten by all
But those who hear the endless groaning
Creaking as the chill winds blow
Whining
Weeping
Wailing
Shrieking
Black against the moonlight
The skeleton swings
MERRY CHRISTMAS! (hehe)
This poem was inspired by my punching bag. The punching bag hangs in my dark basement. If you punch it hard enough it will swing back and forth, creaking eerily for a loooong time. So it's possible to punch the thing, and then come back an hour or two later and see the thing still swinging. It's very disturbing sometimes, so I wrote this poem.
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Canary word: Present
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Interesting poem...I feel it is more suited to Hallowe'en than Christmas XD But you get that.
Bubbles suggested punctuation yes? Well...I agree with her, to a certain extent. Some places need punctuation, others it is brilliant that you have absolutely zippo. Nada none.
These are just punctuation -suggestions-
And this is where the meaning was confused....or a simple comment.
All in all, I liked it the way it is, and it's your choice as to whether you're going to change it or not. ^_^
~Chibi
Well....that was interesting, I guess. A few suggestions:
The the skeleton swings
From the gnarled tree
Black against the moonlight
Swinging from it's twisted gallows
Creaking as the chill winds blow
Groaning as in living pain
Suffering years of endless woe
Or perhaps its restless spirit
Groaning
Moaning
Pining
Sobbing
Remorse for foul deeds
Committed long ago
Firstly, punctuation is seriously necessary here. Commas, periods and such are our friends! They help give impact to poems, and when one has a suject like this one should never pass up the opportunity to pack a punch
Secondly, how you do go on! We can have our fill of all good things, as a famous philosopher once said. Even love, even - in this case - adjectives and description. In other words, there is an excess of description here. Cut it down to size. In particular, I would suggest the rewriting it like this:
The the skeleton swings
from the gnarled tree,
black against the moonlight.
Swinging from the twisted gallows,
creaking as the chill winds blow,
its restless spirit
groaning
moaning
pining
sobbing
weeping its remorse for foul deeds
committed long ago.
Otherwise, interesting verse structure. I like it.
What's left of a withered face
Devoured by the savage years
Who's the ghost that hangs alone?
Husband to a weeping widow?
No one remembers-no one knows
Forgotten by all
But those who hear the endless groaning
Creaking as the chill winds blow
Whining
Weeping
Wailing
Shrieking
Black against the moonlight
The skeleton swings
I like the full circle motif here; but you need to tidy this verse up a bit, you're losing control of the rhythm. I'd suggest the following:
Who is the ghost that hangs alone -
husband to a grieving widow?
father to a grieving son?
Nobody knows, no-one remembers
save those who hear the endless groaning,
whining,
weeping,
wailing,
shrieking
as black against the moonlight
the skeleton swings.
Tighten it up a bit, you know, so that the words have more impact and arent diminished by too much repetition etc.
Anyway, kudos on an interesting poem. While it is not exactly big on imagery, it presents an intriguing scene and is a nice break from the more emotional Christmas fare LOL. It was light, the meter was interesting and the rhythm unique, and although it wasnt deep I found it pleasantly amusing. Kudos on a nice little piece
Cheers,
~bubbles